I am writing this blog to share with you these past few months of quietness but also to give myself permission to return to the world as Lindsay Essence.
Where to begin? How do I start?
I'll start with March 4, 2015 which was one of the hardest weeks of my life to date. That day I lost a dear friend of mine after having a great 8 year friendship with him. He was one of my co-workers at work. He was like another father figure to me. I would bring him key chains from my travels. He saw me graduate high school. Get married to one of my best friends. Worked with me through my pregnancy with my daughter. Saw me graduate college. Was there for me during a third of my life. The ups and downs, saw the raw me, and knew the real me.
It is said that if a friendship lasts 7 years then it will most likely stick for a lifetime. I had 8 years with him in this physical realm.
The last 18 months of his life his health started to fail. A few days before he passed I saw him. I actually saw him less than 24 hours before the heart attack that took his life from his body. I told him I loved him, gave him a hug, and rushed to do something at work at that moment. It was a Saturday when I saw him last.
That following Wednesday he was gone.
That is the beginning, the spark, the start of what had spiraled me into solitude and finding my inner strength.
I say spiraled because that is what happened. I spiraled bad. I suffer from bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, addiction and PTSD.
And with that when there are too many things going on; life, stress, work, school, etc. I can crack. At that point in my life that is what happened. I cracked and those who I trusted, I confided in; they didn't understand. I needed to step away from everything and everyone and go back to my core to become stable again.
I am no longer angry with those individuals. In all honesty I never was 100% honest with them about the dark side of having these disorders. Words were taken out of context, twisted into fear, and I was the black sheep to some. But I really don't need those people. I needed those who have stood by me when I have seriously wanted to kill myself and through my days when showering was all I could do. Not the ones who did not fully know what was going on.
Because the truth of the matter is I suffer from mental disorders that make it difficult to have an abundant of meaningful relationships in my life. And I especially need people who understand me when I have my "dark days" or "dark months." Those who can check in with me asking, "How is your self care today?"
I need those who understand that recovery from addiction is no laughing matter. That my life without getting loaded is worth more than to test your theory that years of not drinking or using makes me able to drink or use like a normal person.
And my cherry on top is I have most of March and April blacked out in my memory, which sucks balls. Yes sucks balls. But it is part of being me.
Which brings me to here today, a day in July, months after losing a connection with one of pillars of people who knew me on all sides of myself.
I got pulled into a world of competition, fear, and lies. I do not want to go back to that. I even walked away from my spirituality completely for a few weeks. (If you are intuitive you know that your guides will drive you crazy if you do that for too long).
I have decided to blog again, share my knowledge, connect with like minded people, and focus on my art and being of service.
If you resonate with sharing, connecting, and learning. Please stay connected with me. If not then please delete me, unfollow me, or whatever we do on the internet.
This is going to be a slow process.
And what I really wanted to say is I am here.
With hitting the "Publish" Button on my blog, I am cutting all ties with those I no longer connect or wanted in my life.
I am listening.
I am writing.
I am painting.
I am creating.
I am scoping.
And I needed to give me permission to allow myself to be me on these platforms again.
Always with Love,
Lindsay Essence
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